Every so often Pixie and I toy with the idea of taking part in NaNoWriMo, (National Novel Writing Month) which is an annual event in which participants attempt to write a 50,000-word novel in November. But, typically, by the time we’ve got our act together most of November has already gone by.

So, in a burst of inspiration, and because we’ll never turn down a chance to squeeze “ninja” into anything, we invented our own version: NinJAWriMo. That’s right, National & International January Writing Month. We were very pleased with ourselves, smugly noting that not only do we get an extra two months of prep time compared to those poor November suckers, but January also gives us 31 days. That’s an entire extra day! How could we fail?

Obviously, neither of us ever did produce that first 50,000 word novel draft.

But don’t think we’re quitters! In fact, in the spirit of extreme generosity (towards ourselves), we’ve extended our NinJAWriMO 2023 deadline to 31 December 2024. Big things are definitely happening this year. Any moment now, I’ll stop procrastinating and dive into this masterpiece. Any. Moment.

In one of those years where we were busy not writing novels, we decided to take on a different challenge instead based on the prompt:

“A stranger runs past you on the street and shoves an ice cream into your left hand and a shovel into the other.”

Here’s what I wrote:

“ I live in Townsville, in the wet tropics of North Queensland, on the East coast of Australia.

According to its Wikipedia entry, Townsville has 360 days of sun per year.  I don’t know what the researcher was doing on the other 5 days, because having lived here for a few years now, I can tell you that it is sunny every day.  Every. Day.

Townsville doesn’t have the traditional four seasons, it has a hot season.  And for a few months at the start of the year it has a wet season.  And during the wet season it’s hot.

Just off the coast is Magnetic Island, a small tropical rainforest island.  It’s twenty minutes on the ferry, and is a paradise of beaches, palm trees and rainforest.  One time when my parents came to visit, I bought my dad a ferry ticket out there for his birthday present.  I do like that I can say that I bought my dad a trip to a tropical rainforest island for his birthday.  It sounds so much cooler than saying that I bought him a $30 ferry ticket.

I tell you this for a reason.  If there’s one thing you take away from what I’ve said, it’s that Townsville is hot.  Townsville is always hot.

So, when a stranger ran past me in the street, shoved an ice cream into my left hand, and a shovel into the other, you understand that I had to act fast.  Even a moments delay would have reduced the ice cream to a soggy cone and a puddle of melted ice cream at my feet.  It really was a matter of dire urgency, almost certainly a matter of life and death, which I hope you will understand influenced the decisions I was about to make.

I knew I had to get off the street, out of the sun, and into somewhere cool.  The situation wasn’t as terrible as it could have been, one advantage of living somewhere so hot it that almost every building has a good air-conditioning system.  Life in Townsville often revolves around moving from one air-conditioned place to the next air-conditioned place, ideally travelling between the two in an air-conditioned car.  Cool air was within easy reach, but I had to get there fast, the sun was already doing its best to destroy the ice cream I had been entrusted with.

So I ran.  I ran towards the nearest shop, which was a clothes shop.  When I’d lived in England, my favourite clothes shop was a surf style clothing shop in the Trafford Centre, it was full of Billabong, Mambo, Quicksilver, Ripcurl clothing and I loved it.  In Australia, every guy’s clothes shop is that style of clothes shop.  It’s great.  So I ran for the shop, ice cream held high in my left hand, shovel held low in the other.

It was a Sunday and the street was fairly crowded because of the weekend markets, so I yelled for people to get out of my way, I barged through slow walkers, I barrelled past old ladies, I think I maybe knocked over a small child, I didn’t have time to look back.  As I’ve mentioned, this was urgent, quite probably a matter of life and death.  I had to get this ice cream to safety.

What I haven’t mentioned so far is why I knew this was a matter of life and death.  Why I chose to save the ice cream instead of just dropping it into the nearest bin as soon as I realised the stranger wasn’t coming straight back.  It was because of the stranger.  You see, I recognised him.

Well, I didn’t ‘recognise’ recognise him, but I recognised him.  If you know what I mean?  Maybe you don’t.  Ok, there’s a man, an extraordinary man, called The Doctor.  I say he’s a man, but in reality he’s not even human, he’s a time-travelling alien from the planet Gallifrey.  And he’s amazing.  He’s saved the world more times than I could count.  He’s well known back in England, but here in Australia he’s not so well known, his heroics go unnoticed.

The thing about The Doctor is that over the years he’s worn many faces, I won’t go into details, but it’s important you know that he does that, he regenerates and changes his face.

I know all of the faces worn by the Doctor, I’ve spent a lot of time watching programs about his exploits.  But, he has lived for thousands of years and will live for thousands more, I obviously don’t know what faces he’ll wear in the future, and as a time-traveller, it’s entirely likely that a future Doctor is on Earth right now and nobody realises it yet.

So when I say that I ‘recognised’ the stranger, I had never seen the stranger’s face before.  But I recognised his attitude.  After all, who else but The Doctor would run up to you, thrust an ice cream into one hand and a shovel into the other.  That’s the act of a madman, or of a genius time-travelling alien.

And another thing you need to know about The Doctor is that, most of the time, whatever he’s doing is of dire importance.  Often the fate of the entire planet hangs upon his actions.  So when The Doctor hands you an ice cream, you KNOW you have to keep it safe.  You KNOW that as absurd as it sounds, you have to get it out of the sun, and into the protective air-conditioning of the surf style clothing store.

And if you knock over a small child on the way, that’s an acceptable price to pay for saving the world.

So I ran into the shop.  And as I said, I love this shop, it sells the clothes I actually want to wear.  I don’t usually have the patience for more than a few minutes of clothes shopping, but this is where I like to spend those few minutes.  I reached the safety of the air-conditioned shop with the ice cream only slightly starting to melt.  I would have a few moments here to take a breath and plan my next move.  I sighed deeply in relief and felt the pressure lift slightly.

“I’m sorry sir, you can’t bring that in here”

“What?!”

“I’m sorry sir” said the sales assistant pointing at the ‘NO FOOD OR DRINKS ALLOWED IN THE STORE’ sign, “You’ll have to finish your ice cream outside, you can come in once you’ve finished”.

“What? But. It’s.” I said.  “No you see, I have to keep this ice cream safe.  It’s a matter of life and death”

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed the store security guard start to take an interest in the conversation, and realised that I was about to be forcibly ejected back into the sun.  And then I realised I had an even greater problem.  It was market day, the streets were crowded, and I’d moved away from where I’d been standing when The Doctor gave me the ice cream.  How would he find me again?  How would I find him?  I had only glanced his new face briefly, and didn’t remember what he’d been wearing.  And whilst I could go back and stand where I had been and wait for him to return, the ice cream would melt and I couldn’t even guess at the consequences of failing a mission given by The Doctor.

The security guard was walking towards me now telling me to leave the store immediately.  I vaguely waved the shovel in his direction to hold him away whilst I thought things through, which seemed to irrationally anger him.  I saw him speaking into his shoulder mounted walkie talkie.

I quickly realised what I needed to do.  I would need to a) keep the ice cream cold, b) find The Doctor, and c) impress him enough with my determination and ingenuity that he invites me to join him in his travels.

Starting with ‘b’, I had to find The Doctor.  But he could be anywhere now in these crowded streets.  I would have to go somewhere that I know he’s also going to go.  So as I waved the shovel at the increasingly angry security guard I thought it through.  Why would The Doctor be in Townsville?  There’s nothing here of major importance to the safety of the planet.  Usually the bad guys choose to base their schemes in London, or Cardiff, occasionally America.  But why Townsville.  And then I knew.  Townsville has just one big mystery, one supernatural event in its history that would bring The Doctor here.  The Island.

In 1770 Captain Cook was sailing up the east coast of Australia charting the previously undiscovered continent when he came across a small island off the coast of what would become Townsville.  As he sailed past, the ships compasses went haywire and all moved to point directly at the island.  Cook named it Magnetic Island.  In almost two-hundred and fifty years since then, nobody else has been able to recreate the effect, nor explain why it happened.

That, must be why The Doctor was in Townsville.  We’re only five years away from the two-hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the anomaly, it must be due to reoccur.  It was clear to me that I had to get the ice cream safely to Magnetic Island.

This presented a few extra problems.  The island was a five minute drive and a twenty minute ferry ride away, the air-conditioning in my car would certainly not be powerful enough to keep the ice cream from melting, and the same goes for the ferry itself.  How would I get the ice cream all the way to the island.

And then I remembered.  It was market day.  Which meant that at the end of the street there would be an ice cream van.  Perfect, a mobile fridge.  I ran out of the shop, narrowly missing two security guards who were running towards it from a nearby shop.  I waved the shovel threateningly in their direction and they backed away.  As I ran, pushed and squeezed my way through the crowds I looked back and was relieved to see they weren’t following.  I guess they didn’t consider holding an ice cream inside a shop to be important enough to chase a man with a shovel through the streets in this heat.  Little did they know the dire importance of the situation.

So I ran towards the ice cream van.

 I remember reading on Reddit that after he left Hogwarts, Ron Weasley bought himself an ice cream van and often drove it around giving out free ice cream.  Ron would be able to help me.  I’m not sure I’d trust him enough to use magic on something as important as this ice cream, but maybe Hermione would be with him.  She’d certainly be able to cast something to keep it extra cool and safe.

So I was disappointed when I got to the van and saw that it wasn’t Ron, just a middle-aged balding guy in a sweat soaked singlet.  I pushed straight to the front of a line of protesting kids, held the ice cream up to the window in the side of the van and said “I need you to take us to the island.  It’s a matter of life and death”.

“Rack off mate” said the ice cream man.  Behind me I could hear the murmurs of angry parents and upset kids who I’d pushed in front of.

“No” I said “You don’t understand.  You HAVE to take me to the island”

“Fella, if you don’t fuck off I’ll call the police” he said.

There was no arguing with him, and the ice cream was starting to melt again.  So I walked around to the driver’s door and tried to pull it open.  It was locked.  I considered breaking the window with the shovel but as it turned out I didn’t need to.  The ice cream man angered that I was trying to break into his van had emerged from the rear of the van and was running towards me, fists raised.

I hit him with the shovel.

I felt the impact vibrate down the handle of the shovel, and he went down.  There was a lot of blood.  Honestly, now I think about it, I think he was probably already dead before he hit the floor.

But at the time I didn’t have time to stop.  I ran back around the van, in through the rear door he’d opened, and closed the door behind me, locking it with the internal latch.  At last I had somewhere safe to put the ice cream.  I opened one of the freezers just behind the driver’s seat, rearranged the cardboard boxes of ice lollies so that I could prop the ice cream up between them, and closed the lid.

So, a) keep the ice cream cold. Check.

b) find The Doctor.  Partial check.  I knew where he’d be, and I now had the means to get there.  And;

c) impress him enough with my determination and ingenuity that he invites me to join him in his travels.  Definite check.

So now it was just a case of driving to the island, taking the car ferry over there, then driving around it until The Doctor found me.  All the time keeping the ice cream safe in my new mobile freezer.

The engine had been left running to keep the freezers going, so the keys were in the ignition.  I settled in behind the wheel and started to drive.  In the mirror I could see a crowd gathering around the limp form of the ice cream man.  I felt bad about killing him, but the thing is, when The Doctor is around, people always die.  The important thing is saving the world, not about the occasional bit of collateral damage.  It was probably best not to think too hard about it.  Besides, why would The Doctor have given me the shovel, if it wasn’t to protect the ice cream and ensure success of the mission.  The Doctor is a genius, he clearly would have thought this through and knew exactly what I would do.  The shovel had served the exact purpose he meant for it.  I felt better.

I looked for the controls for the ice cream van’s tannoy music player.  After all if you’re driving in an ice cream van you might as well enjoy the full experience.  Besides, maybe The Doctor hadn’t made it to the island yet either, and the tinny music might help him find me first.  I couldn’t find the controls and then remembered that ice cream vans in Australia don’t play music, they just ring a bell.  I was vaguely disappointed, in a nostalgic kind of way, and couldn’t bring myself to ring the boring bell.  I’d just find The Doctor when I got to the island.

The other disappointing thing about buying from ice cream vans in Australia is that nobody knows what a 99 is.  When you ask for one they just look puzzled until you remember you have to ask for ‘an ice cream with a flake’.  All in all I was pretty disheartened with my time in the ice cream van.

And then.  I realised that I’d been wrong the entire time.

As I’ve mentioned, The Doctor is a genius.  He wouldn’t have handed me an ice cream in the middle of a crowded street in the heat of a Townsville day, and expected me to keep the ice cream safe.  It was only by my own ingenuity that I kept the ice cream from melting.  Would he have expected me to succeed so superbly.  Probably not.  Probably, almost certainly in fact he’d expect the ice cream to have melted by now.  Which meant..

“Oh my God!” I said aloud.

I had been wrong.  The ice cream was supposed to melt.  Why would The Doctor hand me an ice cream which could only possibly survive for a few minutes.  It was supposed to melt.  He wasn’t giving me the ice cream, he was giving my something hidden inside the ice cream.  The ice cream was a disguise, cleverly designed to stop anybody else seeing him give the object to me, but revealing the object to me mere minutes later when the ice cream melted.

I’d been so stupid.

And, thinking it through logically, what object would be the right shape to fit inside an ice cream cone, and important enough to sacrifice an ice cream man’s life for – it must be a sonic screwdriver.  The Doctor gave me his sonic screwdriver!

As I drove I reached around behind me and lifted open the freezer.  Keeping my eyes on the road I rummaged around inside feeling for the ice cream.  My fingertips brushed against it but I couldn’t quite reach.  Leaning further over I tried again, almost grasped it but instead I knocked one of the cardboard boxes aside and the ice cream fell away from me.  I looked around quickly, saw the ice cream topple, in what seemed to be slow motion.  It fell against the wall of the freezer and came to a rest, the top half of the ice cream itself had been knocked off in the fall.  I leaned further around straining to see a glimpse what I knew would be inside..

And that’s when I crashed he van.  In my excitement at the moment of the big reveal, I’d not been paying attention to the driving, and as it turned out, I drove straight into a building.

I only found this out later, once I’d woken up from the coma.

Nobody else had been hurt in the crash, which was nice.  I never did find out what was inside the ice cream, and I never did meet The Doctor again.  But the world didn’t end, so all in all I think it worked out for the best.”

The judge was silent for a moment, staring at me, her mouth hanging open. “For the best?  You’re on trial for murdering a man with a shovel.  Which, I might add, you have just admitted before the court.  I would recommend you consult with your lawyer and consider changing your plea from Not Guilty”.

I looked over at my lawyer, who looked a lot paler than when I had started my statement.  I remembered then that’d we’d agreed to give my account of that day’s events in somewhat of a different manner.

“Can I just clarify” said the judge “that your justification for your actions on that day is that Doctor Who, a fictional tv character told you to do it?”

The rest of the court case passed fairly quickly.  I think the jury had already made up their minds.  I didn’t argue too long, after all, they were all Australian, and just don’t understand Doctor Who.

Of course, I do realise that Doctor Who is just a tv show, and isn’t real life.  I’m not crazy.

But what if.  What if he’s actually real.  What if this was my once chance to meet and to adventure with him, and I just ignored it because I thought it was just some stranger in the street with an ice cream and a shovel.  I’d be crazy not to do what I did.  Crazy.

EPILOGUE

[Written on letter headed ‘Department of Justice. Townsville Correctional Facility’ writing paper]

Dear Allen

Things are going well.  They’re treating me alright in here.  I’m having regular therapy sessions which are helping me to differentiate real life from fantasy, and the psychologist tells me he’s very happy with my progress.

I try to keep the therapy sessions short though.  I don’t like being alone in there with him.  Afterall Hannibal Lecter was a psychologist before he was jailed, and last time I saw a program about him he was on the loose and heading abroad to start a new secret life.  It’s best to be careful about these things.

Anyway, I might not be in here too long.  There’s another prisoner who has an English accent, he’s pretty secretive about why he’s here, but he’s got plans to escape, and wants me to help him ambush a guard and steal a uniform.

I know what you’re thinking, this sounds like a terrible idea, but the thing is, I recognise this man.

Well, I don’t ‘recognise’ recognise him.  If you know what I mean?  I think you probably do. 

I’ve never seen this guys face before, but, you see, there’s a man called James Bond, who’s worn many faces through the years..

Anyway, I shouldn’t say too much.  If all goes well I’ll be seeing you soon.

Yours

mcphee