I rarely do movie reviews on here, I can’t think of anything more wasteful to do with a blog than write movie reviews.. other than maybe draw monkey cartoons.

But, I went to see Van Helsing with Claire on Monday.

That movie just made me SO angry!!

What could have been a great movie, and what I expected to be a great movie (having seen the hype, but not the reviews) turned out to be the most lazily produced film I’ve seen in a long time.

Just stupid little things were really winding me up because they were so unnecessarily lazy, and so easy to put right.

When the humans turn into werewolfs they very dramatically (and it looks good) tear off their human skin and their wolf form emerges from beneath … then when they turn back, they tear off their wolf fur and skin, and their human skin is underneath … wearing a ragged loincloth (much in the style of the Incredible Hulk tv show)… where did the bloody loincloth come from?? they weren’t wearing it when they were a wolf!! they hadn’t even been wearing it when they were previously human!!

Whilst I don’t wanna see a naked man wandering around on the screen, there are so many ways they could have easily avoided the naked issue. Buffy used to do it with camera angles to avoid the relevant bits until the character can grab something to tie around themselves.. easily done, but too much effort for the makers of Van Helsing, who were simply too lazy.

There was a scene on a bridge (am being vague in case any of you go to see it) where the friar is carrying something valuable he needs to get to Van Helsing, part of the bridge falls away leaving the friar wondering how to get the valuable item to Van Helsing. I was screaming (in my head) at the screen to point out to him that ONLY PART OF THE BRIDGE HAS GONE, THERE’S STILL A LEDGE YOU CAN WALK ALONG!!

Instead he spotted one of the other characters about 300 meters away, and 100 feet above him in a window, so called her for help, she swung down and past him on a series of ropes, and as she passed him he threw the valuable item to her … THE VALUABLE ITEM VAN HELSING NEEDS TO SURVIVE… INSTEAD OF JUST WALKING ALONG THE LEDGE, HE THREW IT INTO MID AIR ABOVE A HUGE DROP TO OBLIVION TRUSTING THAT HIS THROW WOULD EXACTLY INTERCEPT THE SWINGING WOMAN, AND THAT MID SWING SHE’D BE ABLE TO CATCH IT. (excuse the caps, I am shouting at this point).

With the woman and the item safely gone, he decided to make his way to Van Helsing, so WALKED ALONG THE LEDGE TO GET TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can see why they decided to do that, they wanted a moment of action, and swinging on a rope is always good, but instead of thinking of an actual reason to have some swingy action, they just put some in for no reason. lazy lazy filmmaking.

I think I’ve only twice been inspired to blog about movies before, sadly one was (on the old Darklore site) the Mummy returns, which I thought (and still do) was an exceptionally entertaining film. Which makes it all the more disappointing that Van Helsing is made by the same guy.

The other film blog I remember doing was re the Incredible Hulk (kinda mentioned above … seems there are tenuous links between all my movie blogs) vs PotC, (Pirates of the Caribbean).

Which actual ties in with the film I saw last night, PotC, (Passion of the Christ). Which was a very harrowing and thought provoking film, which I’m glad I saw before it’s run ends (next week). A brutal, brutal film, but well worth watching. It leaves you with a lot to think about … it’s impact maybe slightly lessened by then watching and getting emotional over the Buffy finale.